New Year

I was told the other day that I should start writing down my thoughts and life stories. So here I am sitting at my mini computer, listening to some sad song on the radio, feeling melancholy, and watching the snowflakes fall.

2011...

The Year of our Lord 2011, goodness gracious where do I start. January, February, and March were spent in Afghanistan. I had a patch of grass growing by the time I left, my garden consisted of an ammo box filled with Afghanistan moon dust and compost that I made from apples, bread, and bannanas from the chow hall. The greenhouse windows were made from turret inserts, and there were little rock formations in it. I'd have to say it was very Zen-like. Missions were starting to slow down by February, and then by the end of the March, we were passing the batton to the next group.

April 2nd we were on the plane to Kyrgygzstan for massages, pedicures and mochas. We were a family for a year from, Kentucky, Indiana, California, Iowa, Arizona, Washington, Oregon, South Carolina, Pennsilvania, and Virginia. We shared life and death, we covered each others backs, we sang Journey together for Christs sake. By the time we got back to California we never had a chance to say good-bye we all just went separate ways so we wouldn't shed a tear.

I got back to Washington, held my babies, and started to adjust to the realities of life. I was released from the Marine Corps on May 16th, May 17th I was working for The US Forest Service again. June 9th I jumped on the fire engine, told my babies happy birthday and headed south to the largest wildfire in history...other than the fires of 1910. The Wallow fire was a time to reflect and work and figure out really my calling in life. I had lost the love of firefighting, I lost the lust for the 16 hour shifts, sweat dripping down my back, and the commradery of the guys out on the line. I missed my kids, I missed jumping in the river naked, I missed riding my horse though the trees. I had lost the love of the sound of the wind blowing through the ponderosa pines, and the smell of the blue spruce freshly chopped down. Nights were filled with staring into space, with the anticipation of going on a mission. I had lost the respect and love for the man that I married. I couldn't look at him, I hated to be around him, and here I was trapped in the home that we made together.
Winter came, and my fear of losing everything was upon me like the first frost killing the annuals for the year. Everything I worked hard for perished in a day and I had to stand strong not worrying about what obstacle was in the way.

Today...
It is snowing, I am learning to be happy, I have hurt people, I have not leaned on the ones that loved me, and I am alone. I get up in the morning, only to see Jimmy's big blue eyes, and see Luci's smile. I have got to get it together, and learn to love me again.