Some of you will rebuild the deserted ruins of your cities. Then you will be known as a rebuilder of walls and restorer of homes. Isaiah 58:12
My world has been broken and destroyed. My children's lives shattered, a family torn, and images of horror every night. Daily I struggle to allow these things to harbour in my heart and soul. Im trying to pick up the peices to confront, forgive, extend grace, and heal. Jesus restore my heart, rebuild my family, help me overcome hurts, and help me rebuild a beautiful life for my children. Help me to be strong so I can be what you want me to be.
Friday, October 12, 2012
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Lies
You lied to me,
I trusted you,
I never asked,
I opened up,
You took control,
Took advantage,
I loved you for you,
Now I walk away,
Confused and torn,
I'm a fighter,
I will not look back,
I'll take the good and cherish it,
And throw away the bad and burn it,
You lied,
When all I asked for...
Was love and honesty.
Believe none of what you hear,
I should not have believed you,
Half of what you see,
I loved all of what I saw,
But now you look like that,
Rotten banana peel...
That was falling off the wall.
I trusted you,
I never asked,
I opened up,
You took control,
Took advantage,
I loved you for you,
Now I walk away,
Confused and torn,
I'm a fighter,
I will not look back,
I'll take the good and cherish it,
And throw away the bad and burn it,
You lied,
When all I asked for...
Was love and honesty.
Believe none of what you hear,
I should not have believed you,
Half of what you see,
I loved all of what I saw,
But now you look like that,
Rotten banana peel...
That was falling off the wall.
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Worth fighting for?
Love is what makes anything worth fighting for.
If Love is not in the equation then forget the battle. It is a waste of time.
Love is the reason to live or die. Sacrificing for another is what has made all the positive difference in the world. Giving your best effort to figure problems out and to make dreams real, standing up for the weak, setting a good example of bravery and trust in the Good, thinking of others and the future more than mere comfort today--these are gifts humans can give each other.
If you are talking about a relationship, it comes down to Love as well.
Even though we are imperfect, fighting for the Love we share is still valid.
Love is an action as well as a feeling. It means acting unselfishly for another's best interest and the best interest of the relationship. It means defending both against who and/or whatever would destroy it. It is digging deep, even during times of doubt, to be true to a worthy partner. It is clarifying that the relationship is a priority.
If you don't fight, what are you left with?
Physical fighting may not be what is required or recommended but there needs to be one's best effort shown to give meaning to one's vow of loyalty.
Saturday, May 12, 2012
mom day
Training has taught me to be numb to most emotions
Most relationships end due to my coldness
I have always retreated from touch
Tonight I stare at my babies
They need my touch my love and protection
For the first time I realize that I might need that too
Who is strong enough to take that on?
We will see
or maybe I should conform?
I love you mom, you are my hero...
Happy Mothers Day Mom
Saturday, April 28, 2012
sunfish
I slept
His arm held me close
I was sleeping in a hammock rocking in the breeze
cool and sweet
Aroma of musk and sweet pine
I was sailing on the open water
I could see innocent children
skipping rocks on the beach
the sun glistening off of their blond hair
Everything at peace
I sleep
Knowing his arms are around me no matter where I go
I am at peace
Smelling and tasting his love
Sailing with faith and happiness
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Always on the run
I was born...
Into a home of love and trust
God had a plan for me
She said in that old apartment one day,
"lady you have a halo around you, you will do great things and prosper"
I didn't know her and she was crazy
Who am I
I am distant from reality
Do I resist this greatness that she talked about
I protect and hide this anger
The light is within grasp
I am invincible
and meek
Hungry
for the...
Cross
and the love, the eternal love
where I can hold his hand
rocking in my chair
looking at
golden wheat
in the
wind
The smell of the wet
rain in my hair
running
like a child
Into a home of love and trust
God had a plan for me
She said in that old apartment one day,
"lady you have a halo around you, you will do great things and prosper"
I didn't know her and she was crazy
Who am I
I am distant from reality
Do I resist this greatness that she talked about
I protect and hide this anger
The light is within grasp
I am invincible
and meek
Hungry
for the...
Cross
and the love, the eternal love
where I can hold his hand
rocking in my chair
looking at
golden wheat
in the
wind
The smell of the wet
rain in my hair
running
like a child
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Reluctance
Out through the fields and the woods
And over the walls I have wended;
I have climbed the hills of view
And looked at the world,
and descended;
I have come by the highway home,
And lo, it is ended.
The leaves are all dead on the ground,
Save those that the oak is keeping
To ravel them one by one
And let them go scraping and creeping
Out over the crusted snow,
When others are sleeping.
And the dead leaves lie huddled and still,
No longer blown hither and thither;
The last lone aster is gone;
The flowers of the witch hazel wither;
The heart is still aching to seek,
But the feet question "Whither?"
Ah, when to the heart of man
Was it ever less than a treason
To go with the drift of things,
To yield with a grace to reason,
And bow and accept the end Of a love or a season?
Robert Frost
And over the walls I have wended;
I have climbed the hills of view
And looked at the world,
and descended;
I have come by the highway home,
And lo, it is ended.
The leaves are all dead on the ground,
Save those that the oak is keeping
To ravel them one by one
And let them go scraping and creeping
Out over the crusted snow,
When others are sleeping.
And the dead leaves lie huddled and still,
No longer blown hither and thither;
The last lone aster is gone;
The flowers of the witch hazel wither;
The heart is still aching to seek,
But the feet question "Whither?"
Ah, when to the heart of man
Was it ever less than a treason
To go with the drift of things,
To yield with a grace to reason,
And bow and accept the end Of a love or a season?
Robert Frost
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
mozart and bread
Katrien
The girl from Now Zad, I wonder about her daily. Does her brother still pick on her, is she beaten daily for being a girl. Does she still have a beautiful smile? I would love to brush her hair and put a sparkly barrette in it. I remember it matted with blood and dirt and the fear in her eye when I went to grab a stick out of it. She crouched in horror, So I crouched down next to her and gave her a piece of candy. I reassured her that I wasn't going to hurt her. She was an orphan. Who will be there to strengthen her and tell her it will all be ok?
I am thankful for my parents, the ones who taught me how to walk on my own two feet. They took me to the ocean side to smell the salty air and tippy toe on the drift wood, they made sure I knew how to walk the streets of the big city. My Father taught me the art of working through a sweat, scraping poles with a draw knife and digging holes till I had calluses on my palms.We spent hours building things, and working on the property through various projects. The pride and joy that he instilled in me, after finishing a project with my own two hands is a gift that I can not thank him enough for. My Mother gave me the gift of laughter and love. No matter how populated a place was, I was sure to find her through the contagious Kim laugh. Through all my trials and tribulations, she loved me for me and encouraged me to be exactly that, me. She would bake bread while Mozart was in the background and I like to keep the fresh home baked bread aroma in the home a family tradition, because homemade bread is a gift of love.
I hope that my children will grow up to be strong and courageous with a yearning to know more and see more. Through their hard work and dedication I know they will do great things. I hope that I can teach them and love them through it. When they fail I hope they learn how to pick themselves up again and try harder. I hope they are spontaneous and laugh and love like I do.
“Children will not remember you for the material things you provided, but for the feeling that you cherished them.”
~ Richard Evans
The girl from Now Zad, I wonder about her daily. Does her brother still pick on her, is she beaten daily for being a girl. Does she still have a beautiful smile? I would love to brush her hair and put a sparkly barrette in it. I remember it matted with blood and dirt and the fear in her eye when I went to grab a stick out of it. She crouched in horror, So I crouched down next to her and gave her a piece of candy. I reassured her that I wasn't going to hurt her. She was an orphan. Who will be there to strengthen her and tell her it will all be ok?
I am thankful for my parents, the ones who taught me how to walk on my own two feet. They took me to the ocean side to smell the salty air and tippy toe on the drift wood, they made sure I knew how to walk the streets of the big city. My Father taught me the art of working through a sweat, scraping poles with a draw knife and digging holes till I had calluses on my palms.We spent hours building things, and working on the property through various projects. The pride and joy that he instilled in me, after finishing a project with my own two hands is a gift that I can not thank him enough for. My Mother gave me the gift of laughter and love. No matter how populated a place was, I was sure to find her through the contagious Kim laugh. Through all my trials and tribulations, she loved me for me and encouraged me to be exactly that, me. She would bake bread while Mozart was in the background and I like to keep the fresh home baked bread aroma in the home a family tradition, because homemade bread is a gift of love.
I hope that my children will grow up to be strong and courageous with a yearning to know more and see more. Through their hard work and dedication I know they will do great things. I hope that I can teach them and love them through it. When they fail I hope they learn how to pick themselves up again and try harder. I hope they are spontaneous and laugh and love like I do.
“Children will not remember you for the material things you provided, but for the feeling that you cherished them.”
~ Richard Evans
Sunday, January 22, 2012
scalding
I like to be tough and have it together (well look that way).
Engine academy in Naches washignton was for one week June 2005. I had just broken up with my boyfriend of 6 years. I packed up my Chevy Silverado to camp for the week, alone and all tough. Instead of claiming perdium and getting put up in a hotel I was going to camp on the Naches River.
Night 1
Jack Johnson and Chris Isaac on the truck radio.
Steak and mushrooms cooking on my hibachi
6 pack of beer
word search
my tent set up
it equalled an excellent night.
In the mornig I was up and at em.
I made camp coffee had some jerkey and I was on my way to class.
Night 2
music changed to Rob Zombie and Alice in chains
hot dog on my hibachi, chips and salsa box of wine...started
equalled an ok night morning, camp coffee and some cereal.
Night 3 last night...
made some soup in my jet boil listened to music...
can't remember what.
Morning....
Well I decided I needed a bath so I jumped in the icy river...jumped out washed all my important parts and jumped back in. I then decided it would be a good idea to wash my hair with my hot water on the stove to warm me up... Whoops. Needless to say I lost some hair that week and blistered my scalp, but I was clean.
Why didn't I stay in a hotel like everyone else? They all partied and had a good time that week. Well I had a campfire every night and danced to the music I liked. I slept next to the sound of the river and had little acorns drop on me in the middle of the night. I got to go wood hunting after class every night and explore the countryside. I close my eyes and taste the river and smell the dry grass of the Naches valley.
Engine academy in Naches washignton was for one week June 2005. I had just broken up with my boyfriend of 6 years. I packed up my Chevy Silverado to camp for the week, alone and all tough. Instead of claiming perdium and getting put up in a hotel I was going to camp on the Naches River.
Night 1
Jack Johnson and Chris Isaac on the truck radio.
Steak and mushrooms cooking on my hibachi
6 pack of beer
word search
my tent set up
it equalled an excellent night.
In the mornig I was up and at em.
I made camp coffee had some jerkey and I was on my way to class.
Night 2
music changed to Rob Zombie and Alice in chains
hot dog on my hibachi, chips and salsa box of wine...started
equalled an ok night morning, camp coffee and some cereal.
Night 3 last night...
made some soup in my jet boil listened to music...
can't remember what.
Morning....
Well I decided I needed a bath so I jumped in the icy river...jumped out washed all my important parts and jumped back in. I then decided it would be a good idea to wash my hair with my hot water on the stove to warm me up... Whoops. Needless to say I lost some hair that week and blistered my scalp, but I was clean.
Why didn't I stay in a hotel like everyone else? They all partied and had a good time that week. Well I had a campfire every night and danced to the music I liked. I slept next to the sound of the river and had little acorns drop on me in the middle of the night. I got to go wood hunting after class every night and explore the countryside. I close my eyes and taste the river and smell the dry grass of the Naches valley.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
scars
I have one on my right elbow
My little black horse growing up could rear on command "Prince"
We would run as fast as we could through the field.
He got hit by lightning once as we were racing Justin and Tucker up the canyon road. He kept racing and running as fast as his legs could take him. When we stopped at the top I smelled something funky. It smelled like burned hooves or horns. I jumped down off my saddle and picked up his feet. All of his shoes were gone. We had been struck by lightning and he just kept fricken running. That horse had heart and determination. By the time he was 28 years old his back was bad and he had horrible arthritis. Poor guy wouldnt let me climb on him anymore. I crawled under the barbed wire fence to get him the day he went away, I cut myself on my right elbow.
In time my mind, heart, and soul will heal, but I hope that I hold on to the scars. They are vivid stories that remind me of the fragile piece of life that I own.
She was so kind to me and she saved my life. Jeanette "Charlie" Rene Atwater. She had three beautiful children. Her auburn hair,and sincere kind voice are a scar in my mind. On his birthday she was raped and stuffed into her car. It was set on fire for us all to watch on the news. January, 16 2000.
My soul holds onto the scar from Oct 4 2010. My truck hit an IED. I will go into the details on a later date. But for this post I am going to talk about my faith and the scar that my soul has on it. we were sweeping for an IED when I was talking to God in my mind. I asked him what happened when Peter lost sight of his faith and asked him if I could take his hand at that moment. While I was asking him I was thinking about the thought of blowing up and how my kids would mis me...I lost my faith and didn't really want to leave it all to him and take his hand. I was too worried about everything and the little details. Right at that moment an IED exploded under my seat. God was holding my hand.
The heart, well it ihad had some major reconstructive surgery. It is still in the ICU. I will get back to you on the many scars that it has endured. Some are raised ugly scars, and some are barely noticeable, and with some ointment you wont even notice them after time.
My little black horse growing up could rear on command "Prince"
We would run as fast as we could through the field.
He got hit by lightning once as we were racing Justin and Tucker up the canyon road. He kept racing and running as fast as his legs could take him. When we stopped at the top I smelled something funky. It smelled like burned hooves or horns. I jumped down off my saddle and picked up his feet. All of his shoes were gone. We had been struck by lightning and he just kept fricken running. That horse had heart and determination. By the time he was 28 years old his back was bad and he had horrible arthritis. Poor guy wouldnt let me climb on him anymore. I crawled under the barbed wire fence to get him the day he went away, I cut myself on my right elbow.
In time my mind, heart, and soul will heal, but I hope that I hold on to the scars. They are vivid stories that remind me of the fragile piece of life that I own.
She was so kind to me and she saved my life. Jeanette "Charlie" Rene Atwater. She had three beautiful children. Her auburn hair,and sincere kind voice are a scar in my mind. On his birthday she was raped and stuffed into her car. It was set on fire for us all to watch on the news. January, 16 2000.
My soul holds onto the scar from Oct 4 2010. My truck hit an IED. I will go into the details on a later date. But for this post I am going to talk about my faith and the scar that my soul has on it. we were sweeping for an IED when I was talking to God in my mind. I asked him what happened when Peter lost sight of his faith and asked him if I could take his hand at that moment. While I was asking him I was thinking about the thought of blowing up and how my kids would mis me...I lost my faith and didn't really want to leave it all to him and take his hand. I was too worried about everything and the little details. Right at that moment an IED exploded under my seat. God was holding my hand.
The heart, well it ihad had some major reconstructive surgery. It is still in the ICU. I will get back to you on the many scars that it has endured. Some are raised ugly scars, and some are barely noticeable, and with some ointment you wont even notice them after time.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Turret gunner
I wake up at night
The song "morie sky" sung by Linkin Park
Runs through my head
As the vehicle commander I sometimes relieved my gunner from his duties so he could get some shut eye. We would be out in the desert for many days and had to keep a man on the gun at all times. Our truck had a .50 cal mounted on it.
I remember one mission heading south from Now Zad, crossing through the waddies of the foot. The moon was full and the sun hadn't set yet. Our Vic was rear security, so we had the whole rear sector of fire. I had one ear to the radio, and one ear on the iPod. Right as the sun set over the horizon of the dusty barren, mountains that song came on as I held on to the two handles of the Ma Duece...
I looked over my shoulder
I was super woman for those few minutes
What an amazing feeling
I wouldn't let Thompson back up till the next mission.
That was a good night
The song "morie sky" sung by Linkin Park
Runs through my head
As the vehicle commander I sometimes relieved my gunner from his duties so he could get some shut eye. We would be out in the desert for many days and had to keep a man on the gun at all times. Our truck had a .50 cal mounted on it.
I remember one mission heading south from Now Zad, crossing through the waddies of the foot. The moon was full and the sun hadn't set yet. Our Vic was rear security, so we had the whole rear sector of fire. I had one ear to the radio, and one ear on the iPod. Right as the sun set over the horizon of the dusty barren, mountains that song came on as I held on to the two handles of the Ma Duece...
I looked over my shoulder
I was super woman for those few minutes
What an amazing feeling
I wouldn't let Thompson back up till the next mission.
That was a good night
Progress
There is something to be said about taking care of yourself.
Today, I dyed my hair back to brown. Just that one little change made me feel womanly again. I enjoyed being a bottle blonde for awhile. While yes, most guys love the Marilyn Monroe high maintenance look, but it just isn't me. I am a French braid, or pony in a hat girl, and maybe for that special person I'll blow dry it straight once or twice a year. So yes step one is complete, dye hair back to original color.
We received a lot of snow today! I look forward to checking lynx traps this weekend.
And,
Step 2... For transformation back to Hell Kat...
Start running 3-5 miles every other day and yoga on the other days...
Ok... Baby steps...
Today, I dyed my hair back to brown. Just that one little change made me feel womanly again. I enjoyed being a bottle blonde for awhile. While yes, most guys love the Marilyn Monroe high maintenance look, but it just isn't me. I am a French braid, or pony in a hat girl, and maybe for that special person I'll blow dry it straight once or twice a year. So yes step one is complete, dye hair back to original color.
We received a lot of snow today! I look forward to checking lynx traps this weekend.
And,
Step 2... For transformation back to Hell Kat...
Start running 3-5 miles every other day and yoga on the other days...
Ok... Baby steps...
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
New Year
I was told the other day that I should start writing down my thoughts and life stories. So here I am sitting at my mini computer, listening to some sad song on the radio, feeling melancholy, and watching the snowflakes fall.
2011...
The Year of our Lord 2011, goodness gracious where do I start. January, February, and March were spent in Afghanistan. I had a patch of grass growing by the time I left, my garden consisted of an ammo box filled with Afghanistan moon dust and compost that I made from apples, bread, and bannanas from the chow hall. The greenhouse windows were made from turret inserts, and there were little rock formations in it. I'd have to say it was very Zen-like. Missions were starting to slow down by February, and then by the end of the March, we were passing the batton to the next group.
April 2nd we were on the plane to Kyrgygzstan for massages, pedicures and mochas. We were a family for a year from, Kentucky, Indiana, California, Iowa, Arizona, Washington, Oregon, South Carolina, Pennsilvania, and Virginia. We shared life and death, we covered each others backs, we sang Journey together for Christs sake. By the time we got back to California we never had a chance to say good-bye we all just went separate ways so we wouldn't shed a tear.
I got back to Washington, held my babies, and started to adjust to the realities of life. I was released from the Marine Corps on May 16th, May 17th I was working for The US Forest Service again. June 9th I jumped on the fire engine, told my babies happy birthday and headed south to the largest wildfire in history...other than the fires of 1910. The Wallow fire was a time to reflect and work and figure out really my calling in life. I had lost the love of firefighting, I lost the lust for the 16 hour shifts, sweat dripping down my back, and the commradery of the guys out on the line. I missed my kids, I missed jumping in the river naked, I missed riding my horse though the trees. I had lost the love of the sound of the wind blowing through the ponderosa pines, and the smell of the blue spruce freshly chopped down. Nights were filled with staring into space, with the anticipation of going on a mission. I had lost the respect and love for the man that I married. I couldn't look at him, I hated to be around him, and here I was trapped in the home that we made together.
Winter came, and my fear of losing everything was upon me like the first frost killing the annuals for the year. Everything I worked hard for perished in a day and I had to stand strong not worrying about what obstacle was in the way.
Today...
It is snowing, I am learning to be happy, I have hurt people, I have not leaned on the ones that loved me, and I am alone. I get up in the morning, only to see Jimmy's big blue eyes, and see Luci's smile. I have got to get it together, and learn to love me again.
2011...
The Year of our Lord 2011, goodness gracious where do I start. January, February, and March were spent in Afghanistan. I had a patch of grass growing by the time I left, my garden consisted of an ammo box filled with Afghanistan moon dust and compost that I made from apples, bread, and bannanas from the chow hall. The greenhouse windows were made from turret inserts, and there were little rock formations in it. I'd have to say it was very Zen-like. Missions were starting to slow down by February, and then by the end of the March, we were passing the batton to the next group.
April 2nd we were on the plane to Kyrgygzstan for massages, pedicures and mochas. We were a family for a year from, Kentucky, Indiana, California, Iowa, Arizona, Washington, Oregon, South Carolina, Pennsilvania, and Virginia. We shared life and death, we covered each others backs, we sang Journey together for Christs sake. By the time we got back to California we never had a chance to say good-bye we all just went separate ways so we wouldn't shed a tear.
I got back to Washington, held my babies, and started to adjust to the realities of life. I was released from the Marine Corps on May 16th, May 17th I was working for The US Forest Service again. June 9th I jumped on the fire engine, told my babies happy birthday and headed south to the largest wildfire in history...other than the fires of 1910. The Wallow fire was a time to reflect and work and figure out really my calling in life. I had lost the love of firefighting, I lost the lust for the 16 hour shifts, sweat dripping down my back, and the commradery of the guys out on the line. I missed my kids, I missed jumping in the river naked, I missed riding my horse though the trees. I had lost the love of the sound of the wind blowing through the ponderosa pines, and the smell of the blue spruce freshly chopped down. Nights were filled with staring into space, with the anticipation of going on a mission. I had lost the respect and love for the man that I married. I couldn't look at him, I hated to be around him, and here I was trapped in the home that we made together.
Winter came, and my fear of losing everything was upon me like the first frost killing the annuals for the year. Everything I worked hard for perished in a day and I had to stand strong not worrying about what obstacle was in the way.
Today...
It is snowing, I am learning to be happy, I have hurt people, I have not leaned on the ones that loved me, and I am alone. I get up in the morning, only to see Jimmy's big blue eyes, and see Luci's smile. I have got to get it together, and learn to love me again.
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